Death By Raft (almost!)

Morning after my night in the back yard and it was still F'in cold - the Brass Monkeys would go childless!! But hey no excuse to creep inside and get into a warm bath. Oh No! Not the Bollux-way at all. Time for some ill-advised fun on the Grand River, what could possibly go wrong!

Kevin had asked if I fancied a trip down the river in a raft - in January, in Michigan - sounded like fun. Up for it. Dropped car off in Grand Ledge and headed back up stream to Lansing in Kev's car to the drop in. Raft, not so much a raft as a dingy - kind of thing you buy for your kids at the beach - and the oars are a kayak paddle cut in two with duck taped ends.

Alarm bells should have been ringing but were remarkably silent at this point. Drag the SS. Deathtrap into the water and clamber inexpertly in, only got a bit wet - at 11 oF how much trouble could that be? With my and Kev's weight the dingy "jack knifes" in the middle, with the bow and stern pointing skywards and us sliding together in the middle. Alarm bells heard in the vague distance.

"So.... it's about 12 miles to the car" says Kev, "how long do you think it'll take? About an hour?" Alarm bells are suddenly deafening!! In the middle of the river, already wet, freezing conditions, with more like 3 to 4 hours of paddling in front of us. Things could go seriously wrong here. But no choice other than forwards. I have a three hour window before MLW wants me home to go XC ski-ing - potential disaster. Paddled like a mad thing to pick up time but fatigue soon kicks in. Fingers and toes losing feeling, legs cramping and life is F'in super! All I can think is "if something goes wrong, I'm not even sure what I'll tell the emergency services in terms of an excuse"

Scenery is pretty spectacular - ice laden trees overhanging water, herons, even some kind of daft mammal swimming in the river - what was that all about?

After three hours though things are a little out of control - very cold, my iPhone has stopped working cos it got wet (so no GPS) and both absolutely knackered. Ice formed on gloves to point where bending fingers is difficult - gloves have hardened like cardboard. Time to abandon ship!!

Decide to hit the next boat ramp we see and get a ride home. Phone Kev's wife to come and get us - no idea where we are (no GPS) so she just heads out in our general direction and we will call when we hit land and have an address she can plug in the car's Garmin. Spot a ramp and paddle our frozen arses off to hit it. Getting out of boat onto terra firma - over nice ice shelf is fan-freakin-tastic. I go through the ice up to my knees and fill my boots with super-chilled water. Kev trips and goes into the water up to his elbows on both arms. Drag the boat ashore and now life is seriously F'ED UP!! And life just gets better, as we dragged the boat up to the road Kev finds he has lost his phone!! Dropped out his pocket when he tripped! So....... no way to contact Kev's LW, both very wet and getting seriously cold, dangerously cold. Stumble back to river and for the first time today the gods are smiling at us. Kev's phone is found, perched on a chunk of ice, out of the water and still operational. Wife called and back to road to wait. We accost a local dog walker to ask if we could perhaps, maybe find someplace (maybe indoors?) to avoid dying of cold. In true Michigan friendliness the walker does not even break step or make eye contact. "I suggest you call 911" is the sum total of the discourse.

In the end Kev's wife finds us, we are neither arrested or die - so it's all good really. Something to look back on as a (somewhat extreme) adventure. To be sure today we got away with one!! the gods will not always be this benign and we were lucky.

Oh the fun we had

DB