This Dog is Fixed!!!

Well I finally "manned up" and got it done! It's a strange old world - many people swear that as time goes on owners and their dogs start to be more and more similar. In a bizarre twist on this paradigm this particular Dog now more closely resembles his favorite road bike, in that we are both, now, fixed!

It's been a long time in happening, I knew I was in trouble when SWMBO asked me over a year ago "So do you want any more kids?". If only all questions were that easy to answer, almost as easy to answer as "does my arse look big in these jeans?". The answer is the same to "no bloody way!!" MLW's next comment was "well you'd better get to the doctor's and get yourself sorted out". Getting myself sorted out is a common refrain in my house, I fall off my bike and MLW tells me to go to the docs and "get myself sorted out". I have a cough or the flu....... same instruction. But this time the inference was somewhat more sinister!!! So I did what every red blooded man would do, I procrastinated. There was always an excuse, a race to train for a business trip. But finally I decided that enough was enough and made the appointment.

So it was that on the last Friday in September I found myself in a room with two nurses, me on a bed with the old wedding tackle out! Not as erotic as I would have thought! Maybe it was the presence (in the same room) of a scalpel with my name on it! The nurses were very nice and chatted away making me feel as relaxed as possible, we talked about work, kids all the usual stuff, even "Bring your child to work day" and how that didn't really work when you were a nurse who worked in a Urology Clinic! The only important thing I was told was to place my hands either across my chest or behind my head. As the nurse pointedly informed me under no circumstances were my hands to stray below my waist line - "Dr Applestein does not need any help today with your procedure" were the nurse's exact words!

I try and be as relaxed as possible as we wait for Dr Applestein, calm is good I decide. Nothing I can do will make this any better or worse and so I'm better off just going wit the flow.

Eventually Dr Applestein appears and it's "Lights, Camera, Action" time - actually there are no cameras (thank Christ). Dr A is about as nonchalant as it is possible to be. "Good afternoon, soon have this sorted out! Oh you've done a good job with the shaving!" And away we go! "You'll feel a pinch and a burn" - normally Dr speak for "this is going to hurt like hell" but in fact it isn't too bad. First shot (as always) is the worse then as the anaesthetic starts to take you can't feel the rest - no worse than a shot at the dentist's (though a bit lower).

"Relax, relax, bloody relax!" I try and tell myself. The first side is uncomfortable and there is, if I'm being honest a bit of pain. Enough to make me curl my toes and tense my arms a few times.But then it doesn't get any worse, I assume the anaesthetic has really kicked in now. I'm aware of a few tugs and a quite loud "snip" sound. I am not looking forward to the repeat performance on the other side but in fact it is a piece of cake! The "old boy" is completely without feeling at this point and it Dr A had gone at it with a chainsaw I doubt I would have flinched. Guess I must have been a bit tense though as by the end of the "procedure" my arms (behind my head) and shoulders are completely numb!

About 20 min after Dr A's arrival and the nurse is washing me down and plonking gauze on the DogzBollux and helping me on with a rather natty little pair of fishnet hotpants!

"Any questions?" says Dr A. "Erm yeah" how long before I can run and bike? The answer astounds me, no biking for a few days but if I want to run on Monday go for it! In fact the doc's exact words are "only light activity for two days, Monday...... If you want to play football, go for it!" Then the wisest words I have heard for a long time - "expect some swelling. Size wise, grapefruit is fine, watermelon, call me!"

I'm advised to go home and take some Tylenol and prepare an icepack in the two hours I have before the anaesthetic wears off. But again to be honest it really wasn't that bad, not something I'd want to do every week but I was still able to head out to the Liquor store that evening to get beers to while away my evening! And the running/biking background avoids awkward questions. On two or three occasions over the weekend as I hobbled into places (including the Liquor store and my work's "Family Picnic") people have come up to me and said "Oh fallen off your bike again?" There has to be some benefits.

By the Monday and things had settled, still a bit tender but managed my first run as the Doctor ordered!

Cheers

DogzBollux